a new dawn
and just when life seems to feign feelings of doubt and intrepidation...
there comes a new dawn.
Esmeralda's files came in the mail yesterday. i go to Sick Kids tomorrow to deliver them. everything is in God's hands. i pray that they accept her. such surgery would literary change the shape of her future. being able to walk in a country/economy/society ill-equipped to provide opportunity to those that can't makes a world of difference.
but no matter the outcome, i feel that Esmy has all the support she will ever need. her family will be her legs. and God will be her steps.
summer reading
one thing i love about summer is attempting to accomplish all the things i put on my "to-do before fall" list. one such area is the books i hope to read. so far i have:
-Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representations by bell hooks
-Black Looks by bell hooks
-Are Prisons Obsolete? by Angela Davis
-The McDonaldization of Society by George Ritzer
-The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan
-100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia
-A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry
-A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews
-Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden
-Deafening by Frances Itani
-The Love of A Good Woman by Alice Munro
and re-read
-We are the Poors
-Behind the Invasion of Iraq by the Research Unit of the Political Economy
para ustedes
it scares me sometimes how quickly time flies by.
but in reflecting upon this year, i can only smile in remembering the fond moments in what has been an eventfull time of my life.
i am older;
i am stronger;
i am wiser.
and i find myself surrounded by people that i not only love and admire, but that have managed to give me more than i could ever have asked for. to all of you that i have had the joy of growing closer to, i thank you.
you have truly enriched my life.
<3 <3 <3
risks
faced with big change in the near future, i feel like i have been everything but excited for this new adventure. my mind has been screaming logic "you'll be fine! you'll have a great time!" but my heart...oh my heart.
last night i went out with my fellow adventure seeking friends and could feel myself shrinking as conversation was sparking all around me. everyone was excited to leap. but not me. in a room full of people, i had never felt so alone. when i left the feeling still resonated.
i reached my stop on the way home and just as i got off the bus a wave of emotion came over me. i started bawling. i bawled all the way to my apartment building's back door. i stood outside bawling, trying to calm myself down, only to end up starting up again upon getting inside. i didn't know where all this emotion was coming from. i didn't know why i was so upset. but there was a weight on my chest that wasn't lifting.
i went to sleep that night on my tear-soaked pillow. i woke up feeling different. i had cried all that was in me to cry. and i was starting to understand why. as eager as my mental self is to leap off into the next adventure, my heart is not. i could only ignore it for so long until it burst out of me. it took this whole experience to realize that i am unhappy with this change. to realize that what i thought i wanted and what i really need are two different things. and while it might seem more exciting to follow my head, i need to think about my heart.
i have spent a lot of my life being other people's foundations. my brothers, my friends. always the tough one. the strong one. but all the while lacking a support of my own. a niche of people to reflect a healthy image of myself. amd this year at school i found such a niche. and i know now that it may not be my time to leap away from that just yet.
but perhaps the greatest risk for me is holding on. not jumping. not leaping. i must be true to myself, and true to He who knows much more than i. there is reason, even if i cannot yet know it.
out
i wonder what they would think if i said it.
if i said how i really feel.
not just part of what i am.
but all of it.
my heart on my sleeve instead of tucked in my pocket.
i wonder if they'd scorn.
scowl
shun
spit
swear
label me.
perhaps.
is it worth it?
is it necessary for them to know?
i wonder which is worse, the secrecy or the scorn?
am i lying to them by not telling them who i really am?
am i lying to myself by pretending that i'm not who i dare not say i am?
maybe.
i need to get it out.
i need it out.
out.
but i'm scared.
~np
into each life some rain must fall
today was a beautiful day. i sometimes find myself cursing the long hold that winter seems to have over us. the frigid cold. the gross slush. the grey skies.
but i think that the harshness of winter allows me to appreciate summer all the more. there is ample reason to spend every last second that you can breathing deep the crisp, fresh air that ultimately feeds into the next winter slumber. the cycle keeps us hopefully looking ahead towards spring. knowing that night never lasts forever and that the pain is always worth it.
i often wonder if the weather is God's poetry. if He uses the hues of grey clouds on His palette to paint eloquent pictures for us that can be directly transcribed into our lives.
how a rainy day often happens during your times of most melancholly, or the way a sunny day can happen when you least expect it but need it most. i find myself spending more and more time just enjoying the weather - no matter the forecast. trying to find the beauty in it.
like fog. i love fog, and the way it makes you feel so solitude on even the busiest street. there could be a person right behind you on the sidewalk but you'd never know it. all you know, see or feel is the fog. there's something comforting about the fog. its easy to feel lost in it...but for some reason i find myself feeling even more secure. God is in the fog.
one of my favourite poems, by the great Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
The Rainy Day
The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.
~np
looking in from the outside
sometimes the lines of my life seem to blend. i have always felt comfortable enough with who i am to be alone. to do things solo; albeit going to a movie, or travelling to another continent. i value the solace that one finds when all other noise and distraction is blocked out.
but then there are times where aloneness seems not a choice but a reluctant acceptance. where you find yourself trying to enjoy things all too often on your own.
one such instance was my friday night. i went to a salsa event, letting my love for all types of dancing (especially latin) guide me. but foolishly i forgot, in all my excitement, that salsa is a paired dance. and i went alone.
everyone came in pairs, save for the odd few. more people came later, and the environment got looser. but i still felt...out of place. most of the crowd were either couples or a mini group of girls that had gotten gussied up together to be each other's partners. but not me. i had come solo.
it is in situation like that that no matter how much you enjoy something - no matter what the level of excitement or enthusiasm you have beforehand - if you don't have someone with you, you simply can't salsa. you can try to cha cha cha on the spot, playing it all suave. but it looks awkard. and people pity you. or at least it would feel like they did. i tried to get into the event as best i could, with a few temporary partners who must have felt bad that i was without. but it was nonetheless uncomfortable.
you can't help but let it dampen your spirits. you can want to metaphorically salsa in life all you want, but without an equally willing partner, you simply can't. there are the high points and low points of being alone. enjoying the quiet; the serentity. not having to answer to anyone else. being selfish in a guilt free way - when going to see a movie, its always your choice! you can take the last helping of ice cream without the fear of another's wrath. and you have no one to nag you about how long you've left the dishes or how messy you've left the apartment.
but there's no one to laugh at your off-key shower singing. no one to compliment you when you look your best, or pick you up when you feel your worst. no one to make laugh so hard they're on the ground with your rediculous and quick witted humour. and no one to return the favour.
tis a conundrum indeed.
i feel like an outsider at this point in my life. there are many people i would call friends. but none of which at this point that i am convinced consider me to be an asset to their existence. i have had that before. i've experienced it during many periods of my life. one, two, or three special people that you won't go anywhere important or fun without. people that you'd be willing to endure pain for. people that you're so close to that you'd swear you're related to.
i have had that before. but it can slip through your fingers like sand if you're careless. leaving an empty hand.
but everywhere i look, people have it. so maybe its me? maybe i'm just proned to the outsider syndrome. maybe i too often confuse my ability to enjoy life on my own as the lack of any other choice. is this selected singlehood or rejection? is this solitude or loneliness?
~np
