self worth
i have been hard on myself for too long.much of the complex that has ruled me has been a maniacal self-creation. the world beats me down - feeding me lies that perpetuate my disdain: i am not worthy; none could ever love the real me; i need surgery; i need to cover up; i need to falsify the reality to become desirable.
i know in my heart that its all just consumerist garbage. but still i have taken to swallowing the idea like a drug, in hopes that it would one day bring me the equitable peace that i so long for.
but still i am waiting.
my friends have told me that i am beautiful - of and mind and of spirit - and that to someone that will be enough. more than enough; their ideal. but i have been shrugging them off. they are just being nice to me, right? feeding me some sort of propoganda of their own. i'm not a fool; i have eyes - i can see my own reflection. and try as i might...i don't see what they do. i see an ogre. dying to be normal. craving to be physically desirable.
i have not been in any successful relationships to date. and my appearance has been an easy scapegoat. who would want to date me? i am beastly! i don't know why i leave the house!
----------sometimes my hyde gets the better of both of me; the one trying desperately to maintain a level of youthful optimism, and the one that lurks beneath the smile and the stride. but i have on too many occasions succumbed to my hyde. it drains the spirit from my veins. everywhere i look, society validates it. media enforces it. people maintain it. but no more.-------
what if my friends are right? what if I AM worth it? why then am i letting even MYSELF get in the way of my own happiness? aren't i smarter than this?
there is a chance that i may spend my entire life single. there is always that possibility. we aren't the ones that decide the course of our love-lives. but that possibility won't change just because i am hard on myself...critical of my every flaw...pining after normacy. in fact...it steals what i do have...my energy..my vivacious nature...my "i can laugh at anything" sense of humour...my intelligence...my free spirit...my passionate self.
i'm worth it. why do i keep selling myself short? WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT THINGS AS THEY ARE AND GET ON WITH THINGS?
i may never fall in love. i may spend my life single...never knowing intimacy...relationships... sex...passion...but that doesn't mean i will be alone. and that is all i need to know to be happy with who i am.
~np
posted by crooked girl @ 9:34 PM
1 Comments:
I actually got to know about you from Threadless because you, like me, prefer to spend our $$$ on supporting people from Threadless than other commercial entities. Thus, I proceeded to read your blog & have already bookmarked it. :)
In a lot of ways, you remind me so much of myself. Though I am 9 years older than you & am situated in another part of the world, our experiences are so much alike. :)
I've just dumped my guy of 6 years...and my friends also say that I sell myself short. :)
However, despite that, I am picking myself up and am now, like you, trying to appreciate myself more.
There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with me. The men that we've met so far are not worthy of us. :)
Thus, if we're patient a little while more, the right guy (who's worthy of our love) will make his presence known. :)
So keep your chin up girl.
You're truly an inspiration. :)
*I am also known as "coffee_pls" at Threadless. :)
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