songs of solitude;

looking in from the outside

sometimes the lines of my life seem to blend. i have always felt comfortable enough with who i am to be alone. to do things solo; albeit going to a movie, or travelling to another continent. i value the solace that one finds when all other noise and distraction is blocked out.

but then there are times where aloneness seems not a choice but a reluctant acceptance. where you find yourself trying to enjoy things all too often on your own.

one such instance was my friday night. i went to a salsa event, letting my love for all types of dancing (especially latin) guide me. but foolishly i forgot, in all my excitement, that salsa is a paired dance. and i went alone.

everyone came in pairs, save for the odd few. more people came later, and the environment got looser. but i still felt...out of place. most of the crowd were either couples or a mini group of girls that had gotten gussied up together to be each other's partners. but not me. i had come solo.

it is in situation like that that no matter how much you enjoy something - no matter what the level of excitement or enthusiasm you have beforehand - if you don't have someone with you, you simply can't salsa. you can try to cha cha cha on the spot, playing it all suave. but it looks awkard. and people pity you. or at least it would feel like they did. i tried to get into the event as best i could, with a few temporary partners who must have felt bad that i was without. but it was nonetheless uncomfortable.

you can't help but let it dampen your spirits. you can want to metaphorically salsa in life all you want, but without an equally willing partner, you simply can't. there are the high points and low points of being alone. enjoying the quiet; the serentity. not having to answer to anyone else. being selfish in a guilt free way - when going to see a movie, its always your choice! you can take the last helping of ice cream without the fear of another's wrath. and you have no one to nag you about how long you've left the dishes or how messy you've left the apartment.

but there's no one to laugh at your off-key shower singing. no one to compliment you when you look your best, or pick you up when you feel your worst. no one to make laugh so hard they're on the ground with your rediculous and quick witted humour. and no one to return the favour.

tis a conundrum indeed.

i feel like an outsider at this point in my life. there are many people i would call friends. but none of which at this point that i am convinced consider me to be an asset to their existence. i have had that before. i've experienced it during many periods of my life. one, two, or three special people that you won't go anywhere important or fun without. people that you'd be willing to endure pain for. people that you're so close to that you'd swear you're related to.

i have had that before. but it can slip through your fingers like sand if you're careless. leaving an empty hand.

but everywhere i look, people have it. so maybe its me? maybe i'm just proned to the outsider syndrome. maybe i too often confuse my ability to enjoy life on my own as the lack of any other choice. is this selected singlehood or rejection? is this solitude or loneliness?

~np

posted by crooked girl @ 2:33 AM