para ustedes
it scares me sometimes how quickly time flies by.
but in reflecting upon this year, i can only smile in remembering the fond moments in what has been an eventfull time of my life.
i am older;
i am stronger;
i am wiser.
and i find myself surrounded by people that i not only love and admire, but that have managed to give me more than i could ever have asked for. to all of you that i have had the joy of growing closer to, i thank you.
you have truly enriched my life.
<3 <3 <3
risks
faced with big change in the near future, i feel like i have been everything but excited for this new adventure. my mind has been screaming logic "you'll be fine! you'll have a great time!" but my heart...oh my heart.
last night i went out with my fellow adventure seeking friends and could feel myself shrinking as conversation was sparking all around me. everyone was excited to leap. but not me. in a room full of people, i had never felt so alone. when i left the feeling still resonated.
i reached my stop on the way home and just as i got off the bus a wave of emotion came over me. i started bawling. i bawled all the way to my apartment building's back door. i stood outside bawling, trying to calm myself down, only to end up starting up again upon getting inside. i didn't know where all this emotion was coming from. i didn't know why i was so upset. but there was a weight on my chest that wasn't lifting.
i went to sleep that night on my tear-soaked pillow. i woke up feeling different. i had cried all that was in me to cry. and i was starting to understand why. as eager as my mental self is to leap off into the next adventure, my heart is not. i could only ignore it for so long until it burst out of me. it took this whole experience to realize that i am unhappy with this change. to realize that what i thought i wanted and what i really need are two different things. and while it might seem more exciting to follow my head, i need to think about my heart.
i have spent a lot of my life being other people's foundations. my brothers, my friends. always the tough one. the strong one. but all the while lacking a support of my own. a niche of people to reflect a healthy image of myself. amd this year at school i found such a niche. and i know now that it may not be my time to leap away from that just yet.
but perhaps the greatest risk for me is holding on. not jumping. not leaping. i must be true to myself, and true to He who knows much more than i. there is reason, even if i cannot yet know it.
out
i wonder what they would think if i said it.
if i said how i really feel.
not just part of what i am.
but all of it.
my heart on my sleeve instead of tucked in my pocket.
i wonder if they'd scorn.
scowl
shun
spit
swear
label me.
perhaps.
is it worth it?
is it necessary for them to know?
i wonder which is worse, the secrecy or the scorn?
am i lying to them by not telling them who i really am?
am i lying to myself by pretending that i'm not who i dare not say i am?
maybe.
i need to get it out.
i need it out.
out.
but i'm scared.
~np
