into each life some rain must fall
today was a beautiful day. i sometimes find myself cursing the long hold that winter seems to have over us. the frigid cold. the gross slush. the grey skies.
but i think that the harshness of winter allows me to appreciate summer all the more. there is ample reason to spend every last second that you can breathing deep the crisp, fresh air that ultimately feeds into the next winter slumber. the cycle keeps us hopefully looking ahead towards spring. knowing that night never lasts forever and that the pain is always worth it.
i often wonder if the weather is God's poetry. if He uses the hues of grey clouds on His palette to paint eloquent pictures for us that can be directly transcribed into our lives.
how a rainy day often happens during your times of most melancholly, or the way a sunny day can happen when you least expect it but need it most. i find myself spending more and more time just enjoying the weather - no matter the forecast. trying to find the beauty in it.
like fog. i love fog, and the way it makes you feel so solitude on even the busiest street. there could be a person right behind you on the sidewalk but you'd never know it. all you know, see or feel is the fog. there's something comforting about the fog. its easy to feel lost in it...but for some reason i find myself feeling even more secure. God is in the fog.
one of my favourite poems, by the great Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
The Rainy Day
The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.
~np
looking in from the outside
sometimes the lines of my life seem to blend. i have always felt comfortable enough with who i am to be alone. to do things solo; albeit going to a movie, or travelling to another continent. i value the solace that one finds when all other noise and distraction is blocked out.
but then there are times where aloneness seems not a choice but a reluctant acceptance. where you find yourself trying to enjoy things all too often on your own.
one such instance was my friday night. i went to a salsa event, letting my love for all types of dancing (especially latin) guide me. but foolishly i forgot, in all my excitement, that salsa is a paired dance. and i went alone.
everyone came in pairs, save for the odd few. more people came later, and the environment got looser. but i still felt...out of place. most of the crowd were either couples or a mini group of girls that had gotten gussied up together to be each other's partners. but not me. i had come solo.
it is in situation like that that no matter how much you enjoy something - no matter what the level of excitement or enthusiasm you have beforehand - if you don't have someone with you, you simply can't salsa. you can try to cha cha cha on the spot, playing it all suave. but it looks awkard. and people pity you. or at least it would feel like they did. i tried to get into the event as best i could, with a few temporary partners who must have felt bad that i was without. but it was nonetheless uncomfortable.
you can't help but let it dampen your spirits. you can want to metaphorically salsa in life all you want, but without an equally willing partner, you simply can't. there are the high points and low points of being alone. enjoying the quiet; the serentity. not having to answer to anyone else. being selfish in a guilt free way - when going to see a movie, its always your choice! you can take the last helping of ice cream without the fear of another's wrath. and you have no one to nag you about how long you've left the dishes or how messy you've left the apartment.
but there's no one to laugh at your off-key shower singing. no one to compliment you when you look your best, or pick you up when you feel your worst. no one to make laugh so hard they're on the ground with your rediculous and quick witted humour. and no one to return the favour.
tis a conundrum indeed.
i feel like an outsider at this point in my life. there are many people i would call friends. but none of which at this point that i am convinced consider me to be an asset to their existence. i have had that before. i've experienced it during many periods of my life. one, two, or three special people that you won't go anywhere important or fun without. people that you'd be willing to endure pain for. people that you're so close to that you'd swear you're related to.
i have had that before. but it can slip through your fingers like sand if you're careless. leaving an empty hand.
but everywhere i look, people have it. so maybe its me? maybe i'm just proned to the outsider syndrome. maybe i too often confuse my ability to enjoy life on my own as the lack of any other choice. is this selected singlehood or rejection? is this solitude or loneliness?
~np
lent...an update
so it is a week later. results thus far:
msn - hard to avoid when you need to leave it logged on for your family to be able to reach you
internet - so far so good. going outside more (photography fun!). wasting time on the net less.
caffeine - tried to go cold turkey the day before i had a paper due. not the wisest idea. still drinking caffeine but in moderation. hoping to cut myself entirely eventually by the end of next week. i'm feeling optimistic about it.
overall...it may not seem like i have improved a lot, in review. but i feel better about things. more time for whats important. more time taking walks and taking photos. more time for homework. more time for friends and family. more time for God.
tis grand.
motion
i have moved my "motion" photos to a more appropriate place, for all those interested in keeping tabs on my photographic progress.
www.flickr.com/photos/narcissuspoetics
under the folder entitled "motion", oddly enough.
i am allowed to submit three photos. i don't know if i have them yet, but i think i am getting closer...
~np
taking over the world
sometimes i like to dress up like a super-hero.
one day i will take over the world.
~np
lent
for lent i have decided to give up the following:
- caffiene
- msn* (used solely to communicate with family at specific times, or with my Peruvian family)
- the internet* (used solely for academic purposes or to read and respond to emails)
i realize that this is a big undertaking. i didn't know whether to include blogging in this journal as internet usage or not. perhaps i will play it by ear. this is perhaps the detox that i have been subconsciously searching for.
